I hate this stupid self respect stuff.
It makes me realize the people I have to lose a lot quicker.  

Maybe this is just Nana's way of telling me she's still here, somehow. Maybe she's just taking care of me. 

I'm sorry. 

not eating seems weird for me...not that i don't want to eat. 
i just can't. 
i can't really do anything except cry.
i miss my nana so much. having her unable to talk or move was better than not having her at all. now she doesn't exist anymore. 

it's weird the weekend she disappears, i see you again somehow...you two must be related in some way. i don't think the relation has any significance though. 

Bobby makes me feel so much happier. 
i wish he was here now, because this is pretty bad. 
God.

if anyone else makes me want to feel bad about going to a football game the day my Nana died, let me know. please. because it's not like i don't want to jump off a cliff already. 

today was melissa's birthday. I tried calling her but she was at Nick's. 
hopefully tomorrow we'll go to the movies. i need that, i think. i need to be with someone who's really been there for me, and Bobby's a little far away. 


i have a wake monday night, and the funeral's on Tuesday. 



This is going to be really hard. 

Shattered dawn swallowed your grave whole 
As the whisper of sunlight painfully faded 
And it left us enveloped in each other and the
Vines that tangled up our throats
Longing to remember the pattern of your voice
The way you would raise it when you wanted me
Leaving the ache of words to resonate in my ears
And through that empty cavern
Where you would tell me that every "always" had an end
That the two of us were just part of a math problem
Hiding beneath division symbols, waiting to be solved.

who would you be if you didn't have to impress anyone? 



i just want to be little again. 
i don't want to have to worry about all these silly mistakes i'm making, 
and all these traps i'm falling into that will change my life forever. 
i just want it to be one of those autumns where my biggest concern is getting a caramel apple at the fair 
and when i can stack up the leaves in my backyard and just jump in them carelessly. 
i want to be loved like i'm a little kid. i don't want to be loved for what i do right. 
'cause i make too many mistakes to even start counting.




i wish someone had the power to give me that.

"so it's not gonna be easy. it's gonna be really hard. we're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."



I'm shy, easily embarrassed, easily confused, affectionate, messy, self conscious, impatient, trusting, addictive, playful, restless, over confident, loyal, complicated, easygoing, happy-go-lucky, careless, over thinking, inconsistent, human.



Take me or leave me.

I don't feel too good.
I'm a little lonely and my tummy hurts.
My parents are dragging me to a Keb' Mo' concert tonight.
I really miss you. reaally a lot.

when i put my mouse on my icon for this entry (which is a skull, if you're unable to locate it) it got all faded and a little box popped up that said "this is you!". in case you were all wondering, i'm a little pink skull.


sometimes i just want to crumble into a million little pieces for no reason at all.
it comes unexpectedly. usually when i'm alone though.

and sometimes i feel like i'm just going to cry, which is also pretty stupid, because i'm a pretty happy person. i'm a really happy person...
when i'm singled out though, i turn bright red and tears swell up in my eyes and i can't breathe.

i believe this is called an anxiety attack.
...which would mean that i have mild anxiety.
which can't be good.

Back at CATA.
And, applying for jobs, whaddaya know?!
I talked to the manager too, which is a first. But I know I sounded to eager, cause...well, i was too eager. Also, I put "open" for when I was available to work, which is a big fat lie---cause I'm back at school. And they probably realized that. But who am I to worry?
Drivers Ed is going to eat up my life for the next month, so I'm sorry if I break plans with you. I think it'll be worth it in the end.
Jeez...I hate being busy. I like just lying in bed and drinking chocolate milk and listening to Miles Davis all day.
Oh boy.




"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."

I'm falling more in love
with every single word
you say...

<3

....and so the lion fell in love with the lamb.


i'm not as big a twilight freak as most people i meet.
but i do still claim to have read it first.
i remember being in 7th or 8th grade and always seeing the cover with the pale hands and the apple in barnes and noble. i read it, and then it became a fad...

i can't wait for the movie though, nevertheless. even if i wont dress like a vampire and go to the very first showing.



i hate telling people about myself when i realize they're using me for something.
for their own sick masochism? i don't know.
i was just trying to help...


this world can be really messed up sometimes.
i hope everyone knows that by now.